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I tend to avoid discussing religion and religious topics on my blog because I don’t want to offend anyone. I respect other’s opinions and other’s beliefs. But something was laid upon my heart to share today and I so I am going to. [Just a forewarning] And it with it being the end of NEDA week (well technically, that was yesterday…) it fits.

I haven’t been to church in quite some time, a couple months, which is unusual for me. But I do have to add that just going to church does NOT make you a Christian or whatever… it’s your faith and how you live, in my opinion. But nevertheless, I woke up this morning kind of down and about my injury and other things going on in my life and so I went to church with I guess you’d say a “hard heart.” I was not happy, not in a good in a good mood, and not feeling very open to anything. I was feeling extremely bitter and angry in actuality. Well halfway through our church service, during praise, something just hit me like a ton of bricks. It was as if God spoke to me… out of nowhere… in that instant, I realized something. My injury, it was a blessing. What my ED was causing me to do (not eating near enough for my amount of physical activity while running) was bad. Yes, I have a stress fracture but it could have been much worse. I realized in that instant that God was not going to allow me to bring running back into my life until I let go of my ED. Until I can heal, from the inside out. This happened for a reason.

And then, here’s the kicker, my pastor got up and started talking. It was not his message for the day, nothing that he had planned to say, something he said that was laid upon his heart to say. He started talking about David and how David was “sitting on a stump,” if you will, while his brothers went out and did all these things that he could not do. He had to sit on that stump, watch the sheep, and wait. But in that time of sitting on the stump, he practiced with his slingshot. And then one day, after much practicing, he faced his giant. And he was successful. Because he took advantage of his time on the stump, his time of waiting, and used it. I wish I could remember my Pastor’s words exactly but he said something like “sometimes the thing that hurts you the most, the thing that is the hardest for you, is the thing that will one day be your greatest strength and your blessing.” I swear guys, it was like he was talking directly to me. He also said that sometimes God brings about our blessings and reveals to us our destinies and his plans for us in ways that we would not have chosen, ways that are hard for us to understand. And even though I’ve said it before, I knew today that there is a reason that this is happening. There IS a reason for everything. Sometimes it takes something big to knock some sense into us and make us see the things that are right in front of us. Nothing happens by chance or to “punish” us, which was what I had been feeling this morning. It’s so hard to sit back and watch everyone else live active lives, accomplish their dreams, be happy in loving relationships, while I sit back injured, hurt, with a messed up mind thanks to my ED, alone, and watch life pass me by. But I’m not alone.

And then he also said something along the lines of “How do we move on when something is taken from us? Something that we wanted so badly? What happens when a door closes? Well you just have to keep going, keep moving, and realize that it was not in your destiny, it was not in the plan for your life.” And again, it was like a brick wall hit me and in more ways than one. I knew that I had to let go of my ED, let go of these fears that I have in relation to food and move on. Get on with my life. No, I can’t run right now but you know what I can do? I can work on me. I can do what I need to do so that when I CAN run again, I will never put my body in danger like I did before when I wasn’t eating enough. I have this one body, that’s it. And I need to treat it well and learn to love myself. In addition, I came to the realization that I have been putting my ED and running (both now and previously) before everything else in my life. They defined me. And they shouldn’t. I am shutting the door on my ED, for once and for all. I am done. I am tired of fighting, I’m tired of the struggle. And running… it will be a part of my life, but not my entire life.

And also, as far as past relationships that are hard for me to understand why they happened and hard to let go of, I know that I have to. And I also know that when I find the person that I am meant to be with, there won’t be a doubt in my mind. I will be so appreciative to have someone who is a good person because I have been through so much heartache. Relationships are not supposed to be full of doubt, anxiety, misrust, false hope… that’s not the way it’s supposed to be. I have to keep walking, keep moving forward. I’m not ready yet to love someone else when I can’t even love myself.

I love how the Lord is always there, no matter what. I turned my back, I ignored him and followed my own desires and wants and what did it get me? Not happiness, that’s for sure. And then I turned around, regretful and ready to listen to him again, and he embraced me. He is always there, no matter what. He always forgives. And he always teaches and speaks to you, but you have to be ready and you have to want to listen. So if you are in a hard place right now, for whatever reason, don’t give up. Just keep moving and try to learn from it. Take advantage of your situation and let it show you something, let it teach you something.

 

Enough seriousness… onto the eats!

So I was feeling kinda “plain oat bran” this morning.. and by plain I mean sans blueberries… hehe, that’s how I roll 🙂

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It was great! Sometimes the most simple things are the best…

  • 1/2 cup oat bran
  • 1/2 HUGE super ripe banana
  • 1 1/2 cups water
  • 1/4 cup milk
  • cinnamon
  • pinch of salt
  • Naturally More Almond Butter
  • Crofter’s spread

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Look at all that melty almond butter!!

 

Lunch was very simple but filling and delicious! I had another bagel (can you tell I love these things?!) with 2 egg whites that were scrambled with 1 wedge of laughing cow light cheese.

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Laughing cow rocks my socks.

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I also had a Fuji apple. Lately, every time I cut open a Fuji apple from Ingles, the inside is starting to rot (brownish color in the middle) or has a really bad spot inside that I have to cut out. Not cool Ingles… not cool.

 

My lunch was fairly light in anticipation for the incredible family dinner that I had in store. And when I say family dinner, I mean my parents, my great aunt (who is hilarious… she’s a total drama queen hehe), my 13 year old cousin, and her parents. You see, I have a really small family and we are super close. This is actually the extent  of one side of my family, minus my great-grandmother and my great-uncle.

In any case, we had a Mexican Fiesta… with a southern twist 😉

There was chicken/cheese enchiladas that are to DIE for. This is a family favorite and something that I can make without a recipe or anything. The inside has a mixture of cream cheese, sour cream, shredded cheese, and chicken (or you could use tofu, beef, whatever). I also usually add cilantro and mushrooms to the filling. It’s wrapped in a whole wheat tortilla and topped with enchilada sauce and more cheese. Not the healthiest thing ever but I do use lighter products (light cream cheese, light sour cream, 2% shredded cheese) that makes them a bit better for you than most. But that are SO creamy and rich… OMG. Mine was topped with cilantro.

My family also made beef enchiladas using the same technique but with beef instead of chicken.

We had this corn/avocado/tomato salad that is SUPER simple but one of my absolute favorite dishes. You combine avocado, tomato, corn, lime juice, cilantro, red onion, salt, and pepper. You can also add olive oil if you like. This recipe came from a recipe by Paula Deen actually (yes… she CAN cook without butter ha). It’s darn good. You can leave out the cilantro if you have family members who don’t like it. I find that cilantro is one of those things you love or hate. Do you like cilantro? I adore it!

Here is my plate… with a small slice of bread.

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We also had a simple side salad of lettuce, tomato, cucumbers, red onion, broccoli, and carrots. I had light ranch dressing on mine.

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(And I totally used Stef’s technique of pretending to text to take these pics with my iphone.. hehe thanks Stef!!)

 

And then… banana pudding!!! (the southern twist) But not just any banana pudding… oh no.

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This is Paula Deen’s Not Yo’ Mama’s Banana Pudding.

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Isn’t it cute? You can follow the link to see the recipe but it’s slightly different than regular banana pudding. It uses chessman cookies instead of vanilla wafers and a mixture of cream cheese, whipped topping, French vanilla pudding, and sweetened condensed milk… and SO darn good it was.

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It was very sweet and rich so one small serving was plenty. And next time I’ll probably use less sweetened condensed milk as it was very sweet to me. But no one else seemed to mind… at least if their second and third helpings means anything 😀

The whole dinner was fantastic. And you know what? I have zero guilt. Zero. That is amazing for me. Especially after such a rich dessert.

But beyond the food, I had a great time just being with my family. We also talked about our trip to Ireland that we are taking in June… so excited!!!

 

So with it being the end of February, I have to say that my decision to do a list of things I am thankful for each day in March was a great idea. It really made me more aware of the little things that I took for granted. So I am going to continue it for now… it’s something that I think I need. Do you have any goals for March?

Today I am thankful for…

  1. Family
  2. My faith
  3. Forgiveness

Good night my lovelies!

 

*This song is so powerful. It completely moved me today… listen to the words*

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