*Sigh* Let me start this post off by saying that when your body tries to tell you something, listen! I have had this gut feeling, if you will, for weeks that something was not right with my body and my stress fracture. That these pains I have been feeling were not just the pains of healing. And I was right, unfortunately. The one time I don’t want to be right…
I’ll just come out and say it… I’m on crutches for 4 to 6 weeks. With orders to move only when necessary and rest (a.k.a. sit on my butt) as much as possible. And no work for me (for the most part).
Let me back track to this morning… the doctor’s office (my 2nd doctor) called me and told me that my request for an MRI had been denied and that my doctor wanted to just wait a few months and see if the pain went away. I tried to convince them that I was in PAIN, that this was not normal, but they would not listen. I then got off the phone and called my mom (while sobbing hysterically I might add) that I knew something was wrong and I HAD to do something about it. So she called my 1st doctor’s office and told them what was going on and she absolutely demanded that something be done and that this was an emergency. *thank you mom!* So they managed to squeeze me in and I saw my 1st doctor. And after talking with him, they did an x-ray and what do you know… I was darn right. The fracture was still there, I saw it with my own two eyes on the x-ray. And then the doctor proceeded to apologize and admit that it was entirely his fault, that if he had put me on crutches like he should’ve in January I would probably be healed by now. Am I angry and pissed off at the doctor? You bet. I wanted to punch him, to be quite honest. He said that he did not listen to me as he should have. You think? If looks could kill…Anyway, he says that with crutches, I should be feeling better within a couple of days. And then after 30 days of ZERO pain, I am free from crutches and should be on the fast track to recovery. That’s the plan anyway. If I’m still having pain one week from now, after using crutches, I will go back and there will be lots of bone testing and whatnot to see why I’m not healing. So please, dear God, let these crutches work.
Suffice it to say, there have been lots of crying, tears, screaming, etc. going on today. I am not a happy camper. And you better believe I had my little pity party. I was upset because:
- This should’ve happened 3 months ago!! Why did my doctor not listen?
- I can’t work. Therefore I won’t see my kids for at least 4 weeks. And some of those kids mean the WORLD to me. And the thing is, they have NO idea what is going on and my sudden disappearance is going to upset several of them. My heart literally hurts just thinking about it.
- Not to mention, no work = no money
- 4 weeks. I have to stay home (for the most part) for FOUR WEEKS!!! I’m going to go insane. What in the world am I going to do…
- Weight gain – thank you ED. I’m terrified, no I’m PETRIFIED, of gaining weight due to my lack of mobility.
- I SUCK at using crutches. And how the heck do you carry anything when you are on crutches?
- Going out in public with crutches is embarrassing, everyone will stare at me!
I could go on, but I will stop… Anyway, that was all that was going through my mind today. But then… I realized that it was pointless. I can make myself miserable and think about all these things over and over and over.. but it won’t change anything. It will not change the past or change my current circumstances. So I can choose to be miserable or choose to make the best of this situation. How to make the best of this situation, I am not sure yet. But I have determined the following…
- After talking with my boss, who I love, I still may be able to work, some. Maybe one day a week and do something that just requires sitting (a.k.a. probably paper work). But I will still get to earn a little money and see my kids. And, when I’m off crutches, my job will be waiting for me. Thank you dear LORD!
- I have no school to worry about right now. This happened at a time where I don’t have classes and don’t have to worry about how I’m going to get to class and stay off my feet. So the timing of this could have been much worse.
- I can still cook. It may take me more time and be more challenging, but I can still do so. I am not completely shut down.
- This time gives me the chance to do a lot of blog work…
- At least I am doing something that will hopefully FINALLY heal me once and for all. Yes, it sucks, but it’s worth it if it works. I can get past this and come out stronger than before. I WILL run again. I WILL exercise again. I WILL walk again.
- This gives me time to catch up on my reading and my DVR…
So I am trying as hard as I can to be positive and not give in to the negative feelings and emotions. I just feel so… helpless and useless. But moving on… Ironically enough, this lovely lady posted this comment on my last post and it really hit home with what was going on today. So I will share…
So I was just thinking about the quote you posted and how it relates to your injury, my (previous) injuries, and anyone that is suffering from something. Imagine an alcoholic, he/she drinks to numb the pain, and therefore doesn’t *feel* the real emotion. When we (runners) run to free ourselves from our problems, are we doing the same thing? Obviously running is a healthier way of dealing; however, there might be some aspect of the pain we are not experiencing because we aren’t just sitting there, thinking, and experiencing them. I guess what I’m trying to get at is: Maybe this whole process will train/teach you to cope with daily stressors, emotions, etc. on your own so that when you are healed and can run again, you will not *need* to run to deal with the emotions
And she hit the nail DEAD ON. Running and exercising was my way out, my way of de-stressing and doing something to get my mind off my problems and issues. But like she said, it only numbed the pain; it didn’t solve it. These 4-6 weeks, this immobility, forces me to face my ED head on. I thought it was bad these past couple of months but as much as I’m ashamed to say it, the first thing I thought of when my doctor told me about the crutches was “oh God, how am I going to stop from gaining weight?” I seriously freaked out inside (a little outside). And it still freaks me out. I’m trying to get past it but it’s hard, it’s like a road block. I know that this gives me the opportunity to finally overcome it for good. I just don’t know how. Which brings up the following questions for you, my readers…
- Have you ever used crutches? TIPS? I am awful and am having a hard time with them. How do you manage to carry anything?
- What can I do with all this time on my hands??!! Can you recommend any books, movies, TV series that I can get on DVD, recipes, ideas, projects, ANYTHING?
- If you are in recovery or have recovered from an ED, how do you manage to deal with the weight gain?
- How do I manage to not eat the entire contents of my kitchen due to emotional eating?
Honestly, anything anyone can offer, any advice, I would LOVE to hear! Especially about ideas to kill time and make these weeks go by faster. I’m open to anything…
I am going to try to be positive with all of this and not bore you to tears with my negativity and boring days. I will try to keep things interesting and keep up with the blogging but I ask that you bear with me for a couple of days as I get the hang of these darn crutches (makes carrying plates of food quite difficult). I am going to continue blogging, of course, because it does take up a lot of my time (which is actually a GOOD thing now) and keeps me entertained, especially reading all of your lovely blogs! 😀
As for the eats today, it started good and then went downhill (with lack of pictures). But breakfast was nice..
I had a bowl of PB & J Oats.
I had my usual base of whipped banana oats that I topped with melted Crofter’s North America Spread and TJ’s creamy salted almond butter.
And then for lunch, desire for comfort food set in (based upon my feelings of impending doom of my doctor’s visit).
I had this container of yogurt (sounds awesome right?) that I mixed with Chia Seeds and then topped with Mighty Maple Cereal.
YUM!!! Maple goodness 🙂
And a Pink Lady apple on the side.
I also had half of a PB & J Lara Bar on the way to the doctor.
And then some dry Kashi Heart to Heart once home from the doctor (total emotional eating right there)
And for dinner, we got take-out. I had a salmon salad that was supposed to include salmon fillet, mixed greens, tomato, artichoke hearts, and green onions.
Ummm… it was pretty bad. Ok, the salmon part was delicious. But the lettuce was wilted brown iceberg lettuce (I tried to pick out the good pieces), a few bites of tomato, and some canned artichoke hearts.
You win some, you lose some.
And after that dinner, I needed some dessert. Ok, so I just had a huge intense craving for chocolate but if I don’t deserve it after today…
No picture but it was plain Greek Yogurt topped with a Chocolate Vita-Top and some Dark Chocolate Dreams. YUM!
Thanks for the Ask Me Anything questions, I’ve gotten some great ones so far! Expect answers very soon and keep the questions coming!
And I loved the responses to the America’s Next Top Model… you guys are so smart!! I think we can all agree that she was NOT plus size and that Tyra needs to learn to say and do the same things, rather than preaching about the dangers of eating disorders and whatnot on her talk show and then calling a girl like that “plus size.” It’s a step in the right direction BUT there is a lot of room for improvement… a LOT. I’d love to see some REAL women on America’s Next Top Model!
So anyways, I hope that you will continue to read my blog and follow me through this journey. And I will try my best to keep things interesting and not bore you with daily updates of my boredom 😉
Good night loves!