I don’t know what I ever did to deserve all of the love, kindness, and support that you all offer to me but I thank you from the very bottom of my heart! Your comments on my Osteopenia post absolutely melted my heart. You encouraged me, made me laugh, and brought me to tears! I cannot tell you how very much it means to me and how much I love you all. I’m not sure that I could’ve gotten through this as far as I have without your support. I really appreciated the advice and words of comfort as well. (I have read every single comment and though I haven’t gotten around to replying to all of them yet, I will) I know that I can fight this and come out on the other end, stronger than ever before. Many of you are living proof that osteopenia can be reversed and so I rest in that comfort. And the comfort that comes from my faith in the Lord.
Church today was exactly what I needed. At one point, my pastor spoke about the olive oil making process. Sounds crazy, but try to follow me here… To get the most oil from olives, the olive oil makers (whatever you want to call them) will put boulders on top of the olives to crush them and extract the good oil from them. And to get more oil, they put even heavier boulders. I can’t explain this exactly as he did but the point was that through trials and tribulations, the Lord is bringing out the goodness and blessings in our lives. Trials are never punishments and sometimes they are not of the Lord. But if you hold on and keep your eyes on the Lord and your faith strong, He will bring you out on the other side and bless you in ways that you never imagined. There is a reason for everything, as hard as that is to believe at times. God knows what he is doing. So to give up the fight would be silly. God didn’t bring me this far for me to lose hope at this point. It’s been almost 6 months since my injury, which is a long time. But I’ve come SO far. I’ve held on for this long, these long months, and I’m not about to give up now. I know that as hard as it is right now, the Lord is going to use this for his Glory, for good. And if I can reach anyone and give them hope and encouragement through an injury or an eating disorder or whatever, then it’s all worth it. This is NOT for nothing.
I also need to mention one more thing. I told you guys that I felt guilty for this, that it’s my fault. But many of your comments made me realize that it was silly to beat myself up over this. Yes, it may be partly my ED’s fault but it’s not MY fault. Because my ED is not ME. Myself and my eating disorder are two separate identities. It gave me a false sense of control, that I was doing good for my body when in actuality, it was destroying, killing me. [If you are suffering from an ED, do NOT let it fool you into thinking that it’s giving you control. It only harms, it does not help you. Your body is crying out to you to feed it and nourish it and love it. We only have this one body, one mind, and one soul… that’s it. There are no do-overs in live. You have this one chance to make this life what you want it to be. And I for one want to look back on my life when I am old and remember good times, fun times, a life full of love and joy and peace. Because we you are 80 years old, do you really think that it’s going to matter how much you weighed when you were 20? No. Weight, size, it doesn’t matter. It’s who you are deep down inside.] My point is that you and your ED are not one and the same. And so when things happen as the result of the ED, like this, well there’s just no point in putting unnecessary guilt upon yourself when you couldn’t help what happened. It is what it is, no amount of regret, guilt, or wishing you can change what you did is actually going to change it. So you just have to pick up and move on, get on with life.
And so that is what I’m doing. I’m going to live my life to the fullest, Osteopenia or not. I am hoping that I can reverse the damage, that I can regain bone density. And I know that I have come a long way in beating my ED but you know, there are still those days where it’s hard. There are still things that I don’t do or things that I do because of that ED voice still inside my head, after all this time. And for some reason, I came as far as I did and then stopped fighting it because it became this small voice. But you know, small or large, it’s still there. And a little bit of that voice is too much. So I am going to fight it with everything I have. I am going to get rid of it, once and for all. I’m kicking him out.
This osteopenia is not going to stop me from living. These past months in my life have opened my eyes to a lot of things, one of them being that you can’t stop living just because bad things happen or your life doesn’t turn out how you want it to. Or when you face challenges. You can’t shut yourself up and ride it out, you have to face it. Head on. I have felt like my life was taken away from me during these months, that because I couldn’t exercise, well what was the point in living? How silly is that?! Exercise does not define me. Running does not define me. And the absence of them does not mean I get to put my life on hold. But the thing is, I did put my life on hold. I shut myself up and pushed away friends and family who loved me because I was so miserable that I just didn’t want anyone to try and cheer me up. Where is the sense in that? I have learned that you can only push people away so many times before they don’t come back. I’ve let some relationships become damaged because of that and I hate it. Especially when I have realized that that’s what your family and friends are for, to stand by you through the hard times AND the good times.
So I don’t know where this is going to lead me but I DO know that I want to take this experience and do something positive with it. I want to glorify my God in all that I do and reach out to others who are struggling. How? I’m not quite sure. But I am confidant in that the opportunity will present itself in time. Until then, well I would like to start doing more things to help others or brighten their day in some kind of way. And if I can ask anything of you it’s that I want you to love your body, treat it well. Because you’re amazing and beautiful and perfect, just the way you are.
In the spirit of this, I posted my first Operation Beautiful note today at Barnes and Noble.
I can’t believe I waited so long to do this! It was amazing! I felt kind of sneaky doing it at first but then once I saw women going into the bathroom, I started to feel really happy and that maybe, just maybe, someone will see that note who really needs that message. It’s so easy to make a difference in the world, even through “small” things like Operation Beautiful! I am now going to carry around post-its in my purse wherever I go and really start spreading this message. And I challenge you to do the same! If you haven’t posted an OB message, do it! You never know who’s life you may change with one simple encouraging message. And that’s the truth!
Now back to the food..
I had a bowl of fruit for breakfast…
I kid, I kid. It also had yogurt somewhere under there under all of that fruity deliciousness.
Along with more Kashi Island Vanilla cereal.
It was extremely refreshing!
After church, all I wanted was a PB & J. Obviously, I have withdrawals when I don’t have nut butter in my breakfast..
I used regular peanut butter (the Skippy natural brand) and Crofter’s on whole wheat bread.
Along with 2 carrots.
And some cantaloupe.
I then went out and did some errands and shopping, including a new book and Sex and the City Season 4 on DVD… yeah. I already bought Season 3 after buying the entire 1st and 2nd season off of iTunes, after which I realized was ridiculously overpriced. PLUS Best Buy was having a huge sell on the DVD’s since the new movie is coming out soon (yay!). So yeah, it was on sale. So there. (someone please come take my debit card away from me before I spend my life savings on Sex and the City, cute dishware, and nut butter…)
While shopping, at had this Clif bar from the depths of my purse.
I wasn’t really in the mood for it but I was hungry and it was there so into my belly it went.
We ordered take out Thai for dinner.
What is that you ask? The unnatural orangness of my food, that’s what it is.
I strayed from my usual Pad Thai and ordered sweet and sour veggies and chicken. Ummm yeah, lesson learned. Stick to the Pad Thai. Thanks.
Don’t get me wrong, it tasted OK I guess but it was super sweet and just made me feel… blech.
But their Fresh Rolls are the BOMB.
Fresh cabbage, carrots, basil, cilantro, and shrimp with a sweet peanut dipping sauce. I’m ALL over that!
And then I had a delicious, chocolaty, vitamin-filled dessert 😉
This would be Greek Yogurt, a chocolate Vita-Top, and some PB & Co. Dark Chocolate Dreams (from the lovely Gabriela). Foodgasm. Oh yes.
And now I’m going to attempt to get into bed a bit early, after some Sex and the City and blog-reading of course. Because tomorrow is my first day back to work!! Woo!!! I don’t go until 2 in the afternoon but that means I have a LOT to fit into my morning (breakfast, lunch, PT exercises, bone treatment, etc.). Not that you really needed to know that… anyways, I wish you all a wonderful blessed night. Thank you again for all of your support and encouragement, I wish I could give each and every one of you a big hug and show you how much you mean to me.
But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened." – 1 Peter 3:14
… say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you." -Isaiah 35:4
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. =Isaiah 41:10